Permanent butterflies!

I believe that I will have permanent butterflies for at least the next month. Starting school is very exciting but quite nerve racking all at the same time!

Tonight has reminded me of a saying that my Nanny always says: "Hurry up and wait" that seems to be the theme of life for most people these days. Hurry up and get a job and wait 3 months, let the nerves build to the absolute peak of all you can bear and then wait 3 more weeks under the weight of all your nerves and fears and just pray that you don't throw up every time you think about it or break down in tears in public.

Today I got to meet my co-workers, and they all seem so wonderful! But I walked away still quite overwhelmed and with butterflies, butterflies that don't seem to be going away. Here's why: (my new list of fears to add to the previous one...try to keep up.)

*What if I can't connect with my co-workers?

*What is the kids don't even like me because I can't be nice to them for a few weeks at least!

*What if I am terrible at this?

*I am terrible at cutesy creative stuff like bulletin boards (I am probably more concerned about this than anything! RIDICULOUS!)

*Everyone keeps saying they have heard great things about me, and I am so worried that I won't live up to those expectations!

I am sure there are more but it's WAY LATE and I don't want to dwell on these things!! I just needed to get them off my chest. Plus these fears are not of the Lord, and I will be working to turn them over to Him. For His name and His Renown are the desires of my heart! He will work despite my complete inability and that my friends is a BEAUTIFUL thing!

In exactly one month my life as a grown up begins!

How crazy! In exactly one month from tomorrow, I begin my big girl job. Overwhelming?? You have no idea!! And overwhelming is not a good state for me to reside in because I tend to shut down and become a bit sensitive in the emotional department (so you've been warned, be kind to me for the next month or 2:)) I can already see some problems that I will encounter over the next few months:

1. I tend to be a bit hard on myself, especially when it involves other people, example the minds of children and their future as readers and writers in this great world:) AHH the pressure..maybe blogging about this is a bad idea seeing how it is only making me think more about it lol. Anyways, I will offer an example of my first point. At Sylvan, I constantly think I am doing awful and the students can't possibly be walking away with any great new knowledge because all I see are the mistakes I made and the places I need to work on. But then you have sweet sweet co-workers who out of nowhere say encouraging and positive things about you that make your day, but then the next day those doubts, insecurities and fears creep in. This is absolutely not from God, so I will be praying that I will find my confidence and strength in Him and Him alone.

2. I blame this next one on college...I have become an unbelievable procrastinator!! I do work better under pressure and it definitely helps that I have something that I am excited about to work on. But the fact remains I am an unorganized and at times, quite ADD procrastinator! All I can say about this one is "God, You've sure got Your work cut out for You!!"

But with these problems (and I am sure the list will only grow as the year goes on but I won't bore you with those details:) comes some amazing and beautiful blessings.

1. Of course, the most obvious beautiful blessing comes in the form of 24 precious little second graders that I get to see everyday. I get to love them and teach them and watch them learn and grow.

2. I get to gain some great experience and grow as a teacher. I have only heard great things about the other teachers there, so I am very excited and nervous at the same time about working with these ladies.

3. I have a JOB! This is indeed a blessing that I pray I never take for granted again. I know what is to be unemployed, and I am actually oddly grateful for that year of struggling to find a job because I now truly know what people go through. I never realized how incredibly discouraging, exhausting, and hard it is to be without work.

4. I get to live my dream! Yes friends, I dream big:) But to me this is a big dream: to have my very own class and do something I love!

5. I get to spend my first few years of teaching in a Christian environment, which I know will be a beautiful blessing and that I will see in the small things over the year how thankful I am for this!

EEEK ONE MONTH!! HOW EXCITING AND SCARY:)!!!

(and don't judge my ability to teach grammar and writing by my blogging skills...they give us a textbook that tells us just what to say:) JK)

New Balance

So I just opened my mail, and it was a credit card bill. 1. I didn't recognize the credit card. 2. I saw New Balance $(###.##). I never use a credit card just my debit. So I was like hhmm why was my mom using my credit card at New Balance because thats where she buys her shoes. 3. Then I realized that this was my credit card that my mom pays off, like if I am somewhere doing errands for her or what not. But I was still confused about this purchase at the New Balance store because it was up by itself and not with the other purchases on the card.

4. So I called mom to inquire about why she was using my credit card to buy shoes.(which went straight to her voice mail thank goodness lol) I mean not that it would matter anyway since she pays the bill, but I was confused. Then the light comes on! It's the new balance of the credit card bill! like how much is owed! AHH good thing I am so smart and figured that one out:)

I just want to document moments like these so that my children one day understand where they get it from.

I officially...

I officially:

*Think that kids with blue hair are my favorites. I have a student at Sylvan with blue highlights in his hair, and he has become my favorite. Don't tell my boss:)

*Am done with ice cream. I have had quite enough in the past week to last a lifetime...ugh!

*Believe that running might be like a drug for me. I had to make myself not run today so that my body could take a break. And now I can't wait for 5:30 in the morning to go for a run...a bit ridiculous but I hope it lasts and that I don't burn myself out!

*Misses busy days where there is no time for T.V., naps, or facebook. I think a couple of hours of down time is more than enough for me. But I don't like the fast life just a busy one there is a difference.

*Hope and pray that I never have to teach above a 3rd grade level. This is where the material exceeds my teaching abilities and the dear students get attitudes.

*Am in need of lots of LANIE DINECOLA and AMANDA BIRCH time!! I miss these two far too much!!

*Quite enjoy cooking with my Mamma Mia:)

*Realize that I overwhelm myself by thinking too much about everything and then I just quit thinking altogether...strange I am quite aware!

*Don't know what I would do without Pandora...it puts me to sleep many nights.

*Am ready to be organized! Why is this such a struggle for me?

*Have begun re-wearing clothes more. Thanks to my dear college roommates Heather and Stephanie:) (I mean only a max of 2 times and only if they were only worn for a few hours. Thats progress though and as far as it will ever go:))

*Misses road trips. Like the long, exhausting, I'm tired of the person I have been sitting next to for 6 hours straight, back aching, can't wait for a bed and hot shower kind of road trips! AH they are the best! I have come to enjoy gas station stores because they remind me of sweet road trips. Gross...once again I am aware, and btw, I avoid the restrooms at all cost.

*Wants to play a good game of ultimate frisbee and sand volleyball. There's just nothing like these two games!

*Loves sweet phone calls with old friends and making new ones!

Baby Steps

I find it quite funny how my life is given to me in baby steps. Especially this nice part of life we like to call growing up:)

* I moved to Texas, which is only 2 hours from Ruston, so I was able to gradually cut those ties and move on. I mean I went back at least once a month, sometimes more:) But I love how special those friendships and that place still is to me.

* I substitute taught for the first year out of college, which allowed me a flexible schedule and the chance to learn more as a teacher.

* I have lived with family so that I can work on paying things off and figuring life out.

* I work at Sylvan so that I can continue learning and growing as a teacher.

* I am going to be working at a small school teaching 12 students at a time (24 all together which is 1 full class for a public school) and teaching only reading, writing, penmanship, Bible, and English.

I am sure there are other ways but these are the big ones. I love that my plans were literally all completely different from these. I mean NOTHING has worked out as I would have planned, but it is so great to see that God knows what I need because it has been all I can handle. I need baby steps even though I would much rather monster gigantic steps. Let me be more clear. Here are my plans (the monster gigangtic step way)

* Teaching my own class at a public school starting last year (09-10). And teaching all subjects not just the few.

* Living anywhere but Louisiana and at home with my parents.

* Married and getting ready to start that cute little family.

I realize this list is small, but the items are quite large. A regular sized class at a public school teaching all the subjects would be a lot to take on for me. Not impossible of course, but it would be quite exhausting as a first year teacher. Being away from family and friends and not having that support, would only add to the stress and exhaustion. Lastly marriage and family will come when God sees fit:) I must still have things to learn as a single little lady, so I shall do just that! So although I still think and dream in monster steps and still want life to happen that way, I am learning that God knows better for me and I will trust Him that He has amazing things ahead!

Now enough of these same old posts....I plan to change things up a bit this is just where life has been lately.

Slowing down and losing focus

I have some sweet and dear children that I teach at Sylvan. A few of them make me laugh out loud on a regular basis at the things they say. Laughing is not a good management skill to have by the way . You lose control quite quickly when they realize you think they are funny! But nonetheless I love to laugh and just can't help it:) But anyways, I laughed quite a few times today with one of my regular little girls and when I sat down tonight I realized that I couldn't remember one thing that was cute and funny! ugh I hate that because it is due to the fact I was too focused on the task at hand and worried about getting things done to enjoy the moment (just a quick moment of course because she did need to get to work). I do this often in life, especially when it comes to something I am being evaluated on such as work or once upon a time, school. Or even just getting things checked off that good old to-do list. Regardless of what it is I do not enjoy this state of mind that I far too often find myself in and here is why... I miss precious moments and/or opportunities. You see, so many times I am in such a rush and so focused on the task and what I need to do next that I walk right past the lady in the wheelchair who needs help reaching something on the top shelf at the supermarket or miss the hurting look in the eyes of people I pass who just need a kind word from a stranger or even the blessings that might be thrown my way throughout the day.

I mean I try I really do to slow down and try to see the opportunities the Lord is giving me to love those around me, but it definitely takes a conscience effort on most days! Like I usually remember things in great detail, and as I write this I realize it is times when I am just enjoying the time I have with the person/people or whatever it is. I am not worried about the task at hand or what all I should be doing instead, ya know all the responsible things we think we just must get done and are far more important than people. Now granted there are things we must do, especially when people are counting on us, but I guess my point is that I need to start evaluating the urgency behind the task. Also, allowing time to do things a little slower, such as grocery store visits, so that I can run into someone and really here what they have to say (granted they may be in a rush but at least I was willing to be whatever I needed to be in that moment). I remember times walking across campus, when I would run into people on my way to class and just the briefest conversation with someone would make my day. I mean it really is the small things that can make or break someone's day, but these seem to be the things that are easily passed by when we get so caught up in our own busy little worlds.

Not to mention we miss the beauty of His amazing creation and the chance to marvel at all He has done in, around, and through us!

I just know one thing, when I slow down, the distractions of the world seem to fade away, and I begin to get a glimpse of the world through my Lord's eyes.

Oh and please excuse my grammar and writing. I am just tired.

John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

It's been a crazy and long year!

Well as I have told EVERYBODY all day, I am going to be a teacher. Like a real teacher... have my own little class, plan my own little lessons, and decorate my own little room. It's quite crazy actually how perfect the Lord's timing and planning and such is, so I will take you for a quick look at the journey that has brought me to this sweet day!

After leaving Ruston, I moved in with the Sister and Brother-in-Law in Longview, TX, seeking something new and different and trying to figure out where in the world the Lord would have me. But I quickly learned that nothing was working out as I had envisioned it. Friends were few and far between (if thats how the saying even goes), jobs were almost as sparse, and life was just lonely and exhausting. I struggled quite a bit with the Lord as I tried to understand what was going on and what He was doing with me there. A side note: I think it is a great thing to struggle with the Lord on occasion because it forces you to question Him, to beg Him to help you to understand what's going on, and to seek Him even when you don't want to because you know it's all you can do. Not to mention you know He is right and good and that He is working it all out for the good even though it's hard to see at times. ANYWAYS I learned a great deal living with Nicole and Phil, subbing in the different schools, and being on my own/being the newby. I learned things like what it was like being the new person at church or at work and how I can reach out to those people now, and I got new ideas for teaching and my love and desire to teach only grew. I can also move forward knowing that I tried it and it didn't work. So even though it was rough, I have no regrets and would do it all over again just to learn what I did during that time and to have met the great people I did while I was there. Plus it was a sweet time for me and my sister to have.

And that all brings me to God's perfect timing in bringing me home. I came home Feb 28th! 1st I absolutely 100% love being back with my family, so much that words can't even express. The time away was just very good for me seeing how great I have it when it comes to my family! 2nd I got a great job at Sylvan that has just worked out wonderfully. 3rd on April 4th life got a little crazy, when we found out about mom's breast cancer. I cannot imagine being away during all of that!! I was able to help out around the house and with her and spend sweet time with her while she was home from work. I mean I didn't have a job and it was perfect (which was not how I have been feeling about unemployment up to this point in the least!) because it freed me up to help out and hang out:). Then when the time was right God opened up the door for me to get a job right close to home, teaching 2nd grade reading and grammar at a little Baptist church school!

I will get more detailed with that in my next blog but for now I will leave you with this:

Things may take a while to make sense, but He is beautifully faithful and will bring things about in perfect and sweet timing!!! It's hard to see looking forward but wonderful to see looking back and seeing all that He has done. Trust me waiting is not my favorite thing to do, but it's very worth it!